Birds Are Assholes…

Birds are assholes, but I love them anyway.

We’ve been rehabbing the house over the past few weeks and trying to get everything cleaned up before we put it on the market. Today we were cleaning out our closets when I heard this crazy sound coming from the brick chimney behind us. It sounded like something was trying to claw its way out of the canvas painting hanging on the brick. It was getting louder and louder, and then it dawned on me. There used to be an old wood burning stove connected to the chimney—because that’s where wood burning stoves connect—and there’s a flue behind the canvas painting. And, then it REALLY dawned on me. There’s an animal behind that mother fucker, and it’s trying to find its way into our house.

My first thought was squirrels. Then, I remembered seeing an episode of that crazy show where people’s houses are infested with weird living creatures. In the episode, the family had raccoons living in their chimney. We put the dogs outside to try to hear it better, and that’s when it really started trying to dig its way out.

I’ve told you before there are gates to hell in my house. Now, I am sure that chimney flue is one of them. Eventually, LB started to video tape the sounds because it sounded like a demon rat clawing its way through the fifth gate. I heard it growl. I swear. You can watch the video here (turn up the volume for this one):

We weren’t sure what to do about the satanic animal in the chimney, and I was sure it would pile drive its way through the canvas at any minute—effectively contaminating all my dogs with some new evil brand of rabies. LB called a pest control company to come out and remove it. They said they couldn’t get here until Friday, and that if it was a raccoon, it would probably climb out of the chimney by then. But, if it wasn’t a raccoon, it would surely die in there before Friday.

After that, the noises became louder and more disturbing. LB couldn’t rest knowing there was a crazed animal digging into our house. And, we were super sad that whatever is was would die in there. I felt like I owed it to the universe to try to remove it from the flue. This was no easy to task because a.) no one wants to reach their actual hand into a fucking black hole that may or may not lead to hell and pull out an animal that may or may not have rabies and b.) what if it jumped out from the hole and landed on my face like something out of a zombie film. I have managed to keep my face on my head for this long. But, something had to be done.

I pulled the painting from off the wall while LB stood on the stairs in case she had to flee, leaving me to fend for myself while a rabid animal ate my face off. She videotaped it. You can watch it here:

Once the painting was removed, the flue was exposed. I decided that I would have to think quick. I grabbed the neighbor kid and a black trash bag. I had Gibson hold the bag over the flue, while I ripped it away from the wall. You can watch that part here:

The flue fell into the bag, but nothing followed it, leaving me to believe we were dealing with something much less malignant than a demon raccoon. Gibson shined a flashlight into the hole, and that’s when we saw it. An owl. No. A pigeon. Nope. A regular old fucking bird. Anticlimactic, I know. But, the aftermath is still hilarious. You can watch it here:

That’s when I had to do the unthinkable and shove my hand into the black hole to pull out the bird. Here’s where it gets sad, poor Beezlebird had babies in there, and they were dead. I dumped them into the trash bag, and Gibson suggested I make predators sounds to lure the bird from its hiding spot. For those of you who know me, I go big or go home. Predator sounds weren’t going to do the trick. And, what kind of sound does a snake make anyway? So, I reached my hand in there and pulled little flue bird out.

Pic 1

Shoo Flue Bird, Shoo

Needless to say, we rescued a bird today and my face is still perfectly intact. LB’s commentary is pretty hilarious. You can watch the rest of the story play out here:

There’s truly never a dull moment in this house.

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