I never realized how much Maryland pride Marylanders have until I moved away and came back. All I’m saying is, I wish someone loved me as much as people in Maryland love Maryland. And, if you live in Maryland, you’re probably in a cult.
When I went back to work in Maryland, I noticed that 75 percent of the cars in the parking lot are covered in flags, crab stickers, giant O’s, Natty Boh memorabilia, and Baltimore pride magnets. People wear Maryland flag shorts, and musicians write songs about all things Maryland. The Orioles haven’t won since 1981, but they are mother fucking super stars in the tristate area.
My wife hates Maryland. It took me forever to talk her into moving back. If you ask her why she hates Maryland she will tell you there are too many people and too many cars. So, basically, she hates a good economy. And, let’s not forget that Pennsylvania swung in the wrong direction this election year. Sigh. How many of you know what the Pennsylvania flag even looks like? I had to google that shit, and I’ve been living here for years.
(Side Note: The Pennsylvania’s State Flag is more of a square than a rectangle. It is composed of a blue field on which the State Coat of Arms is embroidered. Draft horses are on either side of the coat of arms, and the American eagle rests on the top. The scroll at the bottom reads Virtue, Liberty, and Independence.)
Shit looks rectangular to me. Just saying.
What is it about Maryland? I am certainly not complaining. I grew up in Western Maryland. But, I can’t figure out what the obsession is all about. I guess if I break it down, Maryland is pretty great. It’s charming. All of our sports teams are named after animals, and animals are really cool. Plus, I once lived next door to Edgar Allen Poe. But, he was never around, so scratch that one. We used to have seasons before global warming. And, we are on the coast. No one wants to be stuck in the middle of the country. It’s very confining. At least if another state tried to take over Maryland (and let’s be real, why wouldn’t they? It’s a fucking cult) I could sail on over to New England or something. But, I wouldn’t love it as much. And, no one else would either.
This is my friend Dan.
Dan loves all things Maryland. Whenever Dan does something awesome, we say, “Dan, that was so fucking Maryland of you, dude.” And, he’s all, “Natty Boh’s and old bay for everyone!” Oh, and people from Maryland hate when other states try to pass off their deep-fried crab cakes off as “Maryland”. It’s so Pennsylvania. Crab cakes do not need vegetables in them, other states. It’s crab, mayonnaise, and eggs…and that’s pretty much fucking it. Literally the simplest recipe in the world. Eating crab cakes from other states is like putting ketchup on your filet mignon. Embarrassing.
OOOO Maryland…how we love thee. We have shops in Maryland where they sell everything Maryland, and you would think they would be in or around tourist destinations. But, no. There are no tourists shopping in the Maryland shops. People from fucking Maryland are shopping in the Maryland shops. Ever say a word so many times that it starts to sound foreign? Maryland. It’s a cult.