I’ve always been one of those people who don’t go unnoticed—like it or not—because I’m constantly making my presence known to the people around me. And, I don’t mean that I’m particularly interesting, or fun, or even all that great to look at. I’m just loud…as fuck.
With every step I take, I leave a path of destruction behind me: magnets falling as I graze past each cubicle, a laptop spilling from my man bag as I reach down to tie my shoes, a lady screaming as I douse her with hot coffee in the hallway, glass shattering as I slam the conference room door so hard that three window panels come crashing down around my feet. Oh yea, I’m the queen of first impressions.
And that’s exactly why I’ve decided my life would be much easier if God gave my dogs opposable thumbs. Because if I’m the queen of first impressions, I’m the freaking king of symbiotic relationships; every one knows that not making great first impressions and dogs with opposable thumbs are completely, if not conceptually, parallel.
Top 25 reasons why I wish my dogs had opposable thumbs.
- To help me diagram sentences
- To cut up cucumber when our eyes are puffy
- To check my email
- To drive me to work in the morning
- To “LIKE” me on Facebook
- To pack LB’s bong
- To mow the lawn
- To book our vacations
- To fold the laundry
- To push the grocery cart
- To answer the door when Jehovah’s Witnesses come by
- To pick out my clothes in the morning
- To make the bed
- To feed the other dogs
- To let the other dogs out to go potty
- To wire us money
- To give themselves a bath
- To administer my Xanax as needed
- To sew the holes in LB’s leggings
- To hang Christmas lights
- To take these ridiculous, mandatory assessments at work
- To weed the garden
- To wash my hair
- To beat the shit out of this weirdo…
- To give EVEN better hugs…
although, our pack does give pretty great hugs, even without opposable thumbs