Thursday’s List of Wonderful Bullshit

For some one who lives each day with generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia, life almost never gives me a good reason to have anxiety, panic, or the fear of large crowds. I have spent the past few decades trying to understand what triggers these things, how to separate one from the other, and how to avoid disaster. But, that’s what makes it so tricky: no disaster needed. It just manifests that way. For no good reason at all.

I started a new job on Monday. I was really excited, but I was also sick with anxiety.  It’s a job I’ve wanted for a really long time. I’ve sent my resume to this company half a dozen times. The hiring manager said she had never seen any one so dedicated to a job that they hadn’t gotten, until now. Leave it to me to pine after whatever it is I can’t actually have. BUT! When the position finally opened up, they contacted me. It was one of those life moments when you look around the room and think to yourself, is this really happening? I was overcome with joy, and then, within minutes, overwrought with panic.

I waited weeks for my start date, which was the 23rd of this month. When the morning finally came, it was like Christmas…I just knew that drum kit was waiting for me under the tree. But, anxiety doesn’t like Christmas, or drum kits, or new jobs, or anything good that ever happens. Ever.

My incredible wife drove me to work that morning, because she is amazing. When she dropped me off, I nearly skipped through the door to get my badge, which proudly displays the name of the company I’ve applied to over and over and over. It felt great. Then I finally made my way inside.

Perhaps my expectations were too high. I don’t know. But, a nice lady dropped me off at my desk and then no one knew what I needed to do next. It only got worse from there. No need for details, it was just a disorganized “orientation”, meaning, there was no orientation at all. The computers hadn’t even been setup for me yet. I stared at the wall for a while, introduced myself to every one I could find, and doodled in a composition book until lunch time finally came.

Throughout the morning, the anxiety became so unbearable, I didn’t think I would be able to eat. So, I took a walk around the campus until the sun came out. Then, I lied in the grass like a starfish…right outside of their main facility, because I always have great ideas. That’s when people started pouring out of the front entrance to check on me. They thought I was dead. Anxiety one, Kristina zero.

Today is day four of my new job, and I’m on track and ready to go. I’m already working on a wiring diagram and user manual for their new cooler system, which is all very exciting to me. Once the anxiety dissipated, I started to adjust, and now I love it here. But, that doesn’t mean that the anxiety doesn’t return with a vengeance. It’s like a fucking vigilante, and I’m the joker.

So, I decided to make a list of the magical powers anxiety holds over me—a list of all the irrational and ridiculous nouns and verbs that induce random vomiting, shivering, teeth grinding, and racing thoughts, along with all of those things that SHOULD give me anxiety but do not (today—it’s always changing).

Here goes nothing! (P.S. I only used two pictures in the anxiety section, because I try not to take photos of shit that gives me anxiety. But the non-anxiety section, well, see for your damn self!)

Anxiety Inducing:

  1. Donald Trump for president…actually, it’s the people who are going to vote for DT who give me anxiety. I can’t believe God hates me enough to put these people in my life.
  2. Fan-less rooms…the heat keeps me awake, and then the insomnia keeps me insane
  3. Medicine bottles…I keep every one I’ve ever gotten and every time I open the medicine cabinet I feel sick. Why do I torture myself?
  4. This street

IMG_2912

  1. Power lines running through tree branches…it’s like a forest fire waiting to happen
  2. Old water towers…we climbed one in Jamaica and I almost died. From anxiety.
  3. Ex-girlfriends (the mean, vindictive ones, that is)
  4. Cars without music…if the stereo is broken, conversation is NOT a good substitute
  5. Misused semi-colons…see below
  6. Mistaking a hyphen for an em-dash/ en-dash…GOOGLE IT
  7. PC’s…MAC’S ARE FAR SUPERIOR. Get over it.
  8. People who see the Virgin Mary in their toast and then broadcast it on FOX news…great story Megan Kelly, great story.
  9. Euphemisms…clichés are a terrible thing, but we all use them sometimes. I just can’t ever remember them. I say things like “she made like a tree and left”, which really doesn’t work at all.
  10. Directions…I’d rather just know where I’m going or not go at all
  11. Protestant churches…not because I don’t like protestants; I just don’t like their churches
  12. Puppy-mills…see below
  13. The Amish and their horses…they tie them to dumpsters and shop at Victoria secret. I swear, I’ve seen it.
  14. Mainstream music…I wish I could kill the radio star
  15. Kanye West…every word that comes out of his mouth makes me physically ill…rapped or not
  16. The irrational fear that my teeth are falling out
  17. The irrational fear of waking up blind or having my eyes torn out
  18. My family…they’re anxious too, so…
  19. The GOP…this one should make EVERY ONE anxious
  20. Dead, dismembered bunnies in the toilet…it happened once, when our cat and our dog conspired to kill me
  21. QVC…nuff said
  22. That crazy religious TV station that sells bible verses and makes tons of money
  23. Cats in the road…please don’t hit the kitty
  24. New York City…honking for no fucking good reason makes me want to rip out my own throat and throw it at you
  25. Mean teachers…see below
  26. Broken seashells…my mean 1st grade teacher gave me the ugly broken seashell to embarrass me in front of the other kids in my class. Then, she did the same shit to my little brother. I will cut a bitch. DO NOT fuck with my brother. OR my seashells.
  27. People who hate Hillary Clinton…yea, what a monster. She’s only the MOST experienced candidate in the history of the fucking free world. And, 90 percent of you don’t even know why you don’t like her…trust me, I’ve asked. “Emails, Benghazi” hmmm what happened with Benghazi? That’s what I thought; total fucking silence. You know why? BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, AND YOU SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO VOTE
  28. Pharmacists
  29. Mail in my name
  30. People who don’t “condone” curse words…FUCK OFF. I don’t condone your hateful rhetoric about refuges and not being politically correct! Isn’t asking someone not to curse PC, anyway??? Morons
  31. Wal-Mart and the Hobby Lobby
  32. The bible belt…you people scare me, I’m sorry
  33. Deer heads
  34. Eating vegetarian but craving a 24-ounce Rib Eye

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  1. Not living within two hours from a coast line
  2. People who yell at me for saying “I’m sorry” too much; So, fuck you; I’m not sorry that I’m sorry. GET OVER IT.
  3. David Duke…I think he’s actually a vampire
  4. Rush Limbaugh…I know he’s a vampire, if by being a vampire you mean snorting Oxycontin off your illegal maid. Is that PC?
  5. The mall…if teenage girls are hell, consumers are even worse
  6. Sharing the music in my own damn car…um, my car mother fucker, my music.
  7. Gated communities and the HOA

Non-Anxiety Inducing:

  1. Reading (and of course, writing) instructional manuals
  2. Very, very loud music
  3. Our new house spider: fluffy the mosquito slayer

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    He lives in the rafters in our sunroom, and our house is now MOSQUITO FREE!!!

  4. Topless cars
    IMG_2430

    My New Topless Car

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    Lindsey’s New Topless Car!

  5. Whittling Harry Potter wands for absolutely no reasonIMG_0602
  6. DogsIMG_2675
  7. DogsIMG_2799
  8. And more dogs!
    IMG_1534
  9. All of my cousins—even the ones who don’t much like me.
  10. My beautiful nieces and nephews
    10659305_1684932275063045_293833549856752177_n.jpg

    Jackon, Lily, Emily, Penelope, Sara, Ethan

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    Action Jackson!

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    Daddy Jeff, Momma Melanie, and Lily!

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    Sara, Penelope, and Ethan

  11. Winning over the mean secretary at work… her sign actually says Beware of Attack Secretary…and she seriously scares me. But I WILL win her over. Oh, yes…she will be mine!
  12. Sharks, big shark teeth, alligators, and crocodiles…. many, many, many years ago, about two, I fed an alligator and almost lost my middle finger. It was invigorating.
  13. Waffles and a bucket of bait fish on her head…also many, many, many, years ago, about two.
  14. The wonderful Kara Zoolakis!

    IMG_2015.jpg

    Next time we’re driving with the top down, damn it!

  15. Movies about DEMONS
  16. Falling asleep to the TV show Snapped
  17. Mom’s cooking
  18. The parent’s boat, especially when mom drives it in her marijuana hat!

    MOM

    Drive on, Momma Mae, drive on…

  19. Watching Casper swim down river like Michael Phelps chasing a bluntBurbs
  20. The look on sweet Blanco’s face when he sees me walk through the door
    IMG_2810.JPG
  21. Showing off Eddie the border collie, and subtly hinting to bystanders that, yes, my dog is WAAAAAY smarter than yours. IMG_2616.jpg
  22. Sam’s missing coonskin hat…I totally DID NOT steal that shit and hide it from you; I liked it, dude!

    Coon-Skin-Hat.jpg

    This is pretty much exactly what she looks like wearing it!

  23. Sitting down at my drum kit and rocking my ass off like the BAD ASS drummer every one knows I am.

    FullSizeRender.jpg

    It’s an oldie, but still a goodie!

  24. Bow-Tie Tuesday!

    IMG_1207.jpg

    Smokey looking smokin’ as always…

  25. Pirates & Vikings

    IMG_0069.jpg

    Can someone tell my wife this for me? 

  26. The new band we’re putting together!!! Just you wait and see..the name is AWESOME.
  27. The love of my life. Patty Keen. Hahaha…just kidding baby. You are my Xanax.IMG_2603.jpg
  28. Patty Keen for real, though.408561_566542116690900_589820031_n.jpg
  29. My In-LAWS!!! And, my out-laws, too! (AKA JON!!!)
    10365571_728308247253908_7400771142018288774_o

    Momma Mae & Mom Karen!

    12165027_1665738473649092_1181445303_o.jpg

    My favorite OUTLAW!!! Here’s Jonny!

  30. My best friend, Rebecca (Photo not shown, because she will kill me)
  31. My best family friend(s): The Lokey’s and mom and dad Jones

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    Paula & Sam Lokey

  32. Pools with water slides and wave diving in the ocean, hun!
  33. Gardening in the sun, with Lee-C’s help, of course

    IMG_0175.jpg

    Really helpful, this one…

  34. Blogging about my absolutely ridiculous, dog-infested, anxiety inducing, amazing life.

In the end, I have a lot to be happy about, including this photo of three border collies holding each other.

Border-Collies-Friends-Dogs-HD-Wallpaper

I can’t…

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