Speak to Me, In Your Own Language Please

So, I guess I’ve stooped to a new low. I’m not really sure how I feel about what I’m going to post, but here goes nothing.

See, Lindsey and I have a unique kind of relationship. We try to out-laugh one another. We try to out-laugh other couples. We’re very competitive people, Lindsey and I. Anyway, when she’s not working—and I’m not panicking—we’re both just laughing for no damn reason. It’s good to laugh. But, sometimes we take it too far. I know it. You don’t have to tell me.

Now, we’re doing this new thing where we only send selfies to each other. You know how some of your friends and family members send you entire text messages just filled with those stupid emoticons and emojis? Older generations, let me give you an example:


Translation: I had a bad fucking day at work today. (I didn’t really, this is hypothetical. Keep up, people.)

So, you get a mad face, a gun, and a building. And, that’s all. For some one like me (who uses my words and all) it seems a little absurd. And, that was an easy one. Some of my friends send me four line text messages fucking filled with emojis. It’s like trying to decipher the Da Vinci Code.

I can’t do it. It takes way too much thought to piece together a few simple ideas and turn them into puzzles for no good fucking reason. So, instead Lindsey and I just send selfies back and forth. That, and we write lists.

We have to write lists because I can’t remember what she said five minutes ago. That, and sometimes we take turns doing things that we don’t want to do, like grocery shopping. Today, I ran some errands after work and then sent Lindsey to the grocery store. Now, that’s difficult for several reasons. 1.) She doesn’t understand the concept of grocery shopping. I have to explain to her why we need every single thing on the same fucking list that she JUST asked me to write five minutes ago. And, even then she doesn’t always bring it all home. 2.) I do (mostly) all of the cooking, but if I go to the grocery store I spend an insurmountable amount of money. And, then I get one of these texts from Lindsey:


I’m pretty sure we can all figure out what that means. SO, today she went grocery shopping, and I sent her a list. Now, if I don’t explain every last little thing on the list, she won’t buy most of it. She is cheap. It’s just her nature. When I sent her the list today, she INSISTED I write a blog about it. I’m not sure how I can really expand on that, so I will just post the list I sent her below, followed by our text message conversation entirely comprised of selfies.



THIS WEEK’S GROCERY LIST: I’m not playing with you, either. Get everything on this list! Or, you’ll be eating Ramon noodles for the whole week.

Here’s what I know we need—and just in case you’re thinking the way I know you think, “What the fuck do we need that for?” I’ve included explanations and tips for your grocery shopping pleasure. Love you!

  • Cilantro (Near the Basil)—Don’t confuse it with parsley; the grocery store will try to get you all mixed up baby…do not let them win. Cilantro smells like Latin American goodness. Parsley smells like dirt.
  • Basil—I bought a ton today, but I NEED more. I’m going to roll around in it naked later.
  • ONE red onion: JUST ONE. Seriously. For some reason red onions are the only things you are willing to buy multiple of…wtf is that about anyway?
  • Iceberg Lettuce: no reason, I just like the way it crunches.
  • Fresh corn—not that pre-packaged shit, either. Unless that’s all they have.
  • Strawberries and blackberries OR blueberries—we never eat both, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
  • Creamy French for all the salads we’re going to have to eat before our produce rots again.
  • Mozzarella—I went to Cherry Hill today so I need a vehicle for all the extra basil we now have.
  • Rotisserie chicken—because it’s entirely too hot to be cooking in a kitchen without a mother-fucking fan
  • Pasta without mayo—the Greek kind, because I think it’s better than the white trash kind.
  • Like 4 of those jasmine rice packs—holy shit I love those fucking things.
  • Chicken thighs—they’re cheaper than breasts and taste a lot better. (Not true in the real world.)
  • Flank steak—try to get a smaller one, because Riley is no longer with us.
  • Any fresh white fish—we have more frozen salmon than Applebee’s.
  • Brown sugar and white sugar—I don’t discriminate.
  • BBQ sauce—not sure for what yet
  • Honey mustard—because it’s the golden condiment of the Gods
  • Ketchup— I used all of the ketchup to make ghetto BBQ sauce the other day.
  • Better buy coffee because I’m a cunt in the morning when we’re out
  • Creamer—can you please get the non-diary kind? The cold stuff makes me feel fat.
  • Bull penis sticks—Beccars says they keep her puppy quiet. I’m going to try it with you later tonight.
  • Unsweetened ICE TEA. Baby, we have way too much sweetened ice tea! You buy two of each, and then drink all of my shit!
  • Milk—you might want to buy something to eat it with, because otherwise it just sits in there and rots.
  • Broccoli in a steamy bag—love that shit too. (Thank you, Amie, for that wonderful recommendation!)
  • Lean cuisines—so I can eat at my desk and work through lunch without getting paid. #Living the dream.
  • Gelato—because we smoke entirely too much weed
  • Sour cream—(I bought little red potatoes so we can make those broccoli, chicken potato bowls they eat in west Virginia.)
  • Shredded Cheddar—no explanation needed
  • Regular cheese for sandwiches—go ahead, get it from the deli—I’m not the one who has to wait in line.
  • Pre-cooked bacon—because we are lazy as fuck.
  • We have turkey, so don’t buy that. Just thought I’d remind you. (Unless they have that Southern fried turkey meat. In which case, fuck my summer diet.)

OK, so I sent the list, and off she went. Then, I texted her to make sure she was finding (and actually buying) everything on the list. And, she was!

Get ready to get naked!

Get ready to get naked!



Pretty sure skinny people use non-diary creamer.

Pretty sure skinny people use non-diary creamer.

She bought all three kinds...so proud

She ONLY bought light and dark brown sugar, because she wanted to make a political statement. 

And then, when all was said and done, she sent me a picture of a normal person’s grocery list. She found it in her cart. I think we should start saving them…I’ll bet there are some pretty fucking funny ones out there.

So not impressed

So not impressed

8 thoughts on “Speak to Me, In Your Own Language Please

  1. This is hysterical!!! The worst part is that I actually took selfies ALONE in the grocery store while hysterically laughing at this ridiculous grocery list!!


  2. Well, I have to tell you, I gave the best grocery list to Sam (my Sam) back in the day. He was going to stop at the commissary after work and asked me for a list of anything I thought we might need. Well it was a long list…two columns on notebook page. And the list…..wait for it…wait for it….everything on the list was a picture….I laughed so hard when I got the call from Sam. And yes, he used some of the language you used in your blog. Sam kept going through the list with me and making his own crib notes….it is and always will be ‘the best’…..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband and I occasionally speak to each other solely in memes. It’s my favorite. Lol. I love that other people do the same thing. I also compartmentalize grocery lists when I send my husband. I have to say specific brands otherwise he will come home with literally lettuce and strawberries and have spent a hundred bucks. Why? Who knows.



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