Weddings bring out the worst in people. Or, so I’ve heard. Luckily for me, that’s not the case for us. I realized early on that LB wants me to be happy—and it reflects in our daily interactions. But, not everything can be happy and joyous, no matter how well we work together.
Sometimes, other people make it difficult to celebrate or feel entirely happy. This wedding, along with other extenuating circumstances, has taught me a lot about other people. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Other people seem so strange. It’s like they blow through life, overwrought with impractical emotions. They allow their feelings to dictate their actions. And, I understand that. But, I really don’t live my life that way, at least not anymore.
I grew up with a very close extended family. It was a great source of pride, and our parents and aunts and uncles reminded us of how lucky we were every day. But, over the past few years, those close relationships slowly started to unravel. It didn’t feel real at first; like maybe things would suddenly change and everyone would realize what was at stake. But, it didn’t quite happen that way. Some of the most important people in my young life are no longer involved in my adult life at all. It’s a sad reality, but it is what it is.
It’s easy to feel resentful or hurt when people who are supposed to love you suddenly decide that they don’t anymore. It’s usually not that deliberate, but more like a slow progression, and one where you’re not even sure what you’ve done wrong. And, at that point you have a decision to make. That’s the hardest part. Our feelings tell us to be surly, to buy into that negativity. But, I don’t want to. So, I don’t. I simply make the choice to move on.
As human beings, we are far from perfect. Every day, we make mistakes. Every day we cause problems, usually without even realizing it. We say things we don’t mean, and we do things that hurt other people—both intentionally and unintentionally. But, we do have a choice about how we react. We can decide to be upset and to overreact; or, we can choose to be good with goodbyes. I prefer the latter.
You know that saying, when one door closes another door opens? Perhaps it’s kind of like that. I’d like to think that some people leave our lives to make room for others. We expect people, especially our family members, to love us unconditionally. But, there’s no such thing. The closest thing I’ve experienced to unconditional love is the bond I feel with my dogs, and with my parents. But, even those relationships are not unconditional. They’re instinctual and co-dependent. Those relationships are born from necessity.
Even our parents can’t be expected to love us unconditionally. It’s not possible. They, too, have their limits. Luckily, I have incredible parents, who have shown me the closest thing to unconditional love that I will ever experience. To me, that kind of love is less about allowing me to behave badly or to mistreat other people, and more about loving me no matter what I do wrong. It’s OK to love someone when they’re at their worst. Just because my parents love me no matter what I do, does not mean they don’t tell me when I’m being a total asshole. Because, believe me, they do.
I’d like to think I love lots of people, no matter what they do wrong. I’m not the kind of person who loves and leaves, without giving it a second thought. Because of that, it’s never been easy for me to accept the fleeting emotional highs and lows of other people, which dictate the longevity of their personal and familial relationships. It’s not easy to accept, but at some point I have no other choice. I have learned to be good with goodbyes. I suppose I don’t care for those kinds of relationships anyway.
People will decide that they’re mad at you for lots of dumb reasons. It’s like some people are just born with unfair expectations. So, fuck them, I guess. I do wonder why some relationships are so much stronger than others. And, I wonder if those people realize when they’re dead all this stupid shit won’t matter. Who said what about who…it’s so insignificant in the long run. But, it’s not for me to decide. So, I wonder, and that’s it. Now, I’m in the business of moving on, and of weeding out the good from the bad and the ugly. Maybe that’s what other people are doing when they suddenly decide to take off.
I could believe I lost my family. Or, I could believe that I gained LB’s family. So, I’ll leave the negativity for other people. I don’t have time to feel sad and regretful. I’ve got a wedding to prepare for, and my whole life to live. Speaking of living, I’m obsessed with Dean Potter, an American free climber, base jumper, and highliner. He’s most known for his highlining feats, which notorioulsy include crossing lines suspended up to 3,000 feet above ground in Yosemite National Park. He crosses these lines without the benefit of a safety lanyard. At first, I thought he was just insane. But, I had to keep watching. It was like watching someone do something that would inevitably result in his death. But, he doesn’t see it that way. According to Potter, he has a distinct realtionship with his mortality, considering that his occupation is so dangerous. It gives him the ability to live freely, in a way most of us could never understand.
It’s scary, and it’s completely freaking insane…but there’s something really powerful about it, too. Ironic, I suppose, that I work for a company that manufactures fall arrest equipment and lanyards.
Speaking of work, my boss found a “batarang” in an alleyway at one of our trade shows last month. It’s a real metal throwing star in the shape of the batman symbol. He said he found it embedded in the wall of the building near the dumpsters and a fire escape. So…I think we all know what that means….
Batman. is. real.