Lindsey (LB) has been sick for the past two days. She has an upset stomach and a fever. She couldn’t really eat all day, so I went to the grocery store after work to get her medicine and stuff to make these smoothies that she LOVES. When I got home and made her a smoothie, this is how she thanked me:
Lindsey: Babe, you know, you could be poisoning me.
Me: Really, babe?
Lindsey: Yeah, like on that show
Me: I hope you’re kidding.
Lindsey: Seriously. Those women on ID (Channel 111) are always killing their husbands by way of poison. You love that shit.
Me: So, by default, you suspect that I might be sneaking poison into your food?
Lindsey: I’ve been getting sick a lot lately.
Me: Babe, if I were poisoning you, you would be sick as FUCK. A tummy ache and a low-grade fever are not indicative of arsenic or ethylene glycol poisoning.
Lindsey: It could be chloroform
Me: What? How do you even know that!!? You don’t even know the main ingredient in Tylenol!
Lindsey: That’s how that bitch from Florida killed her kid…Cindy Lou or whatever.
Me: Casey Anthony?
Lindsey: Yeah, her.
Me: I really hope you’re kidding.
Lindsey: Why does it take so long to make a smoothie?
Me: Because, the package says it makes two servings, but clearly my idea of two servings and theirs is completely different. I had to keep adding more smoothie mix and milk until it vaguely resembled an actual smoothie.
Lindsey: That just sounds guilty.
Me: Yeah? Well, I won’t need to poison you if I strangle you first.
Lindsey: I’m just saying, there are only two entities that have access to my food on a daily basis. You and Starbucks…so are you telling me it’s Starbucks then?
Me: I’m telling you that I don’t even have poison. And, if I did, I wouldn’t waste it in your food. I can’t speak on behalf of Starbucks.
Lindsey: Use your critical thinking skills, babe. If you are saying it’s not you, then you are saying it is Starbucks.
Me: How is that critical thinking? That sounds like the total opposite of critical thinking.
Lindsey: You said it wasn’t you. So, you are implying it is Starbucks. It’s a reasonable deduction. I am making this assumption based on the information I have now. Tomorrow, there could be someone else to blame.
Me: What are you even saying?
Lindsey: That’s critical thinking. Because, tomorrow I could have more information, which would lead me to a different conclusion.
Me: Oh, well then, that makes sense. So, tomorrow when you go to the doctor and she says that you are suffering from a stomach bug, I guess you will use your superior logic to conclude that you do indeed have a stomach bug?