Life Lessons Via L.B.

Lindsey (LB) has been sick for the past two days. She has an upset stomach and a fever. She couldn’t really eat all day, so I went to the grocery store after work to get her medicine and stuff to make these smoothies that she LOVES. When I got home and made her a smoothie, this is how she thanked me:

Lindsey: Babe, you know, you could be poisoning me.

Me: Really, babe?

Lindsey: Yeah, like on that show

Me: I hope you’re kidding.

Lindsey: Seriously. Those women on ID (Channel 111) are always killing their husbands by way of poison. You love that shit.

Me: So, by default, you suspect that I might be sneaking poison into your food?

Lindsey: I’ve been getting sick a lot lately.

Me: Babe, if I were poisoning you, you would be sick as FUCK. A tummy ache and a low-grade fever are not indicative of arsenic or ethylene glycol poisoning.

Lindsey: It could be chloroform

Me: What? How do you even know that!!? You don’t even know the main ingredient in Tylenol!

Lindsey: That’s how that bitch from Florida killed her kid…Cindy Lou or whatever.

Me: Casey Anthony?

Lindsey: Yeah, her.

Me: I really hope you’re kidding.

Lindsey: Why does it take so long to make a smoothie?

Me: Because, the package says it makes two servings, but clearly my idea of two servings and theirs is completely different. I had to keep adding more smoothie mix and milk until it vaguely resembled an actual smoothie.

Lindsey: That just sounds guilty.

Me: Yeah? Well, I won’t need to poison you if I strangle you first.

Lindsey: I’m just saying, there are only two entities that have access to my food on a daily basis. You and Starbucks…so are you telling me it’s Starbucks then?

Me: I’m telling you that I don’t even have poison. And, if I did, I wouldn’t waste it in your food. I can’t speak on behalf of Starbucks.

Lindsey: Use your critical thinking skills, babe. If you are saying it’s not you, then you are saying it is Starbucks.

Me: How is that critical thinking? That sounds like the total opposite of critical thinking.

Lindsey: You said it wasn’t you. So, you are implying it is Starbucks. It’s a reasonable deduction. I am making this assumption based on the information I have now. Tomorrow, there could be someone else to blame.

Me: What are you even saying?

Lindsey: That’s critical thinking. Because, tomorrow I could have more information, which would lead me to a different conclusion.

Me: Oh, well then, that makes sense. So, tomorrow when you go to the doctor and she says that you are suffering from a stomach bug, I guess you will use your superior logic to conclude that you do indeed have a stomach bug?

Lindsey: Correct.



Lindsey and Jack Wearing Their Critical Thinking Caps

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