Most mornings I manage to wake up without throwing my alarm clock and then wasting two hours gluing and screwing it back together. But this morning had its own set of plans for me and it hung sweet and cool in the atmosphere above my bed; beckoning me to stay longer. But fifteen minutes passes quickly and I already used both of my automatic snooze buttons. I knew if I didn’t wake up then, I wouldn’t do my workout/ exercise at all.
My dog, Eddie, was wide awake and shaking all over. He was waiting as patiently as he could for me to jump out of bed and skip off to the bathroom like I normally do. He perked up, sitting on his backside on a king-like menagerie of pillows and fluffy doggy mattresses. He rested his two front paws on the edge of my bed and stared at me with that compulsive border collie eye, as if to make sure I didn’t launch into space like a rocket the second he took his eye off of me.
This morning he must have suspected I was almost entirely dominated by my ID (the unreasonable, bad side of me). In fact, my ID was having a full out war with the much more logical, good part of me (better known as self-control.) While Eddie continued to display superior self control all morning, I pouted, whined, and covered my head with a pillow.
“Poor Eddie,” thought my self-control, “he is totally at your mercy and waiting for YOU to get up and let him out.” (It should come as no surprise that my self-control takes on the human characteristics of the “Insanity” workout guy, Sean T.)
“He can wait!” Thought my ID… “anyway if he’s so smart, why can’t he just let himself out?”(My ID looks like a little, red devil, born from a puff of smoke.)
I imagined how it would feel to lie in bed all day and it was spectacular. Then I imagined a month of that, and it wasn’t so spectacular. I thought about what it would be like to become completely lackluster about the world. I would end up surrounded by the objects of my own desolate existence sprawled about the room like evidence at a crime scene. I would eventually become too fat and lazy to pick them up. All because I was too apathetic to get out of bed one random morning.
Eddie took a deep breath, and conceded back to his waiting; he sneered up at me in disgust before making a full circle and plopping down in his bed, as if to say, “let me know when you’re ready to get off your lazy ass..”
I am sure it was just a simple sigh of acceptance but in my mind he was being completely defiant.
It didn’t matter anyway because as tired as I felt, I was awake, damn it. Usually, once I am awake, I can’t go back to sleep. And once I am totally awake, I am happy. It might take a few minutes for me to reach totally awake, but it does happen eventually.
Seeing as the time goals I set for this particular morning were still dangling in limbo, I didn’t want to be awake or happy. I wanted nothing more than to hate everyone and go back to sleep; I was pretty sure totally awake would not occur quickly for me today. I almost checked to make sure I was still me. Like, ummm hello… energy…are you still in there?
Normally, my mornings go like this: wake up, coffee, pee, dog, (I drink coffee while dog pees…), exercise, make breakfast, and pack lunch for Katie. All of this occurs while I am dancing dramatically around the kitchen and humming like a ridiculous idiot. But this morning would have its way with my weaker half.
When Katie got ready to leave for work I was leaning against the kitchen counter, still numb from sleep. I shoved a Greek Yogurt across the counter at her, and tried to speak using as little effort as possible, “Here’sbreakfasthavefuntalktoyoulatersorrynolunchbbye.” I managed to combine all five ideas’ into one word out of sheer laziness. I simply didn’t FEEL like talking…oh my God, a feeling I’ve never felt before!
Eddie was still waiting to go to the bathroom. I tugged on the sliding glass door but it felt too heavy so instead of pulling harder I decided to throw a temper tantrum. Once I grew tired of throwing a fit, I realized that all I needed to do was expend enough energy to lift my other arm so I could use both hands to pull the door open… which led to another short temper tantrum. I finally managed to pry the door open enough for a small creature to wiggle through, and then collapsed to the ground in another theatrical moment.
Eddie (barely) slid through the open door and just as he was about to take off running, he paused, turned and tilted his head to the side to ensure that I was right behind him. “No Eddie you go by yourself today. You Potty not me!” I shooed at him, sprawled out on the ground and crawling toward the glass door. I continued waving him away like a man weary from days in the desert, until he trotted off to go potty….all by himself. Or so I thought!
As soon as I got up from the floor and turned to walk away he came tiptoeing around the corner again. That sneaky dog tried to fake me out; he crept so quietly he should have been wearing a tutu; he made his way across the deck with delicate precision and then lifted his leg to PISS ALL OVER the (indoor) porch cushions.
“EDDIE!!!! NO!!! NO POTTY. COUCH…” I shouted in caveman. And then I stopped caring. I went back to making coffee but was unsuccessful the first half a dozen times I tried. An hour later, I finally managed to press the brew button on the Keurig machine and assemble my coffee cup…Who knew that fifteen steps later, I would stumble into the doorway, dropping the hot coffee all over the deck (including the one dry cushion Eddie did not pee on) and down the front of my clothes? You did, I bet.
I was burned, soaked, and my white t-shirt was covered in coffee stains. What’s worse, my dream of crashing emphatically onto a (clean and dry) couch was looking less and less likely. Suddenly, my weariness was replaced by blind rage…which was followed by more blind rage, which was followed by a startling epiphany!!!!!!!
In those few moments, I realized something that would alter the future of my day forever! I realized that all I needed to do was blame someone else! It occurred to me, in fact, that nothing would ever have to be my fault again. The room began to glow with creative energy and my mind ran wild with possibilities!
I gave it a try.
IT IS Eddie’s fault I couldn’t make coffee because he is sneaky and decided to pee all over the couch cushion. And it IS my EX’s fault that Eddie peed all over the couch cushion because he is a nervous wreck from separation anxiety ever since she divorced us! And it IS the fault of a creepy, whacko–stalker that my EX divorced us because the creepy-whacko-stalker IS A DEMENTED LUNATIC who tried to compulsively avenge a perceived wrong-doing! (Because that’s what creepy, whacko-stalkers do…) BUT IT IS MY PARENT’S FAULT that I ever met the creepy, whacko–stalker in the first place because THEY moved twelve years ago.
And this continued into a long list of persons to blame for everything bad that has ever happened, until I began to hate people I have never even met before. I thought about making-up random names and writing them down just to determine the probability of those people actually existing so that I could continue HATING THEM FOR ALL OF MY PROBLEMS!
By then Eddie finished peeing on the couch cushion three times over (not a good idea to try to physically intervene once he’s already started) and I composed an entire list of people to blame for my crappy morning and another list of people to blame for the rest of my life! And what’s more…I was doused with a sudden burst of energy!
Just when I thought my day was starting to improve, it dawned on me. I never did my workout, which was the whole point of waking up earlier in the first place. I felt furious. I ripped my list into a hundred tiny pieces and sent them floating through the air. I yelled at the wall, smacking it with the hand I that wasn’t still holding my empty coffee cup and kicking it with both feet, “I hate you, you stupid @#&*?! !$#*ing WALL…THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” I blamed it, loudly. Eddie’s separation anxiety was suddenly cured and he slinked off to the yard to avoid me.
Things only got worse from there…
Everything sort of collided into one big snowball of sucky events that toppled down all over me. And just when I collected them and put them back into a snowball….they crashed down onto me again. After tormenting myself for many, many, many, many hours (about two), I decided, fuck it, I’ll just leave them there then. I didn’t want them anyway.
I walked away from the entire avalanche (that was this morning) and left a list of unfortunate events in its wake: the pee-pee cushion, the coffee stained cushion, the coffee stained (white) t shirt, and the shredded list of names scattered across the ground. There were several more I shouldn’t mention but I didn’t feel even the slightest bit compelled to run back and take responsibility for any of them! I just blamed the next door neighbor for interrupting me with her loud horn playing instead.
Although it was still early, I decided I would skip the rest of the morning and go straight to lunch. And lunch turned out to be pretty great. But don’t worry, I am taking the blame for that one.